The last blog post I did was a year ago, and it was all about how I decided involving myself with another human – even by the loose means of casual dating – was too much work. So what’s kept me so annoyingly busy? Well, of course irony has. Not a week after I posted Calling In The One, I flew out to be an old flame’s wedding date & came home as his girlfriend. With the drop of the bouquet I was, (dun-dun-dun)… In a relationship.
And eleven months later, on the Fourth of July, I became his fiancé.
Haven’t written a blog post since. Coincidence? I think not. Was it all that simple? I think not.
I have spent the past year going back and forth on the commitment of being with this man – not that there has been any other man of late, but honestly, because of his refusal to commit to me. Or maybe it hasn’t been so much his refusal, as his lack of ability, or lack of willingness – but oh my god, which is worst?
Since we’re on this subject, is it me who is failing at this commitment thing, or him? I mean, am I failing because I’m blaming him for failing, or is that just an excuse? Am I reflecting my own issues onto him? Am I claiming it’s too hard simply because I lack patience… Is that my lesson in this, oh christ, is that one of my lessons in this? What other things do I need to change inside myself – to grow out of? What does it mean to be his wife? I think this means my husband comes above me, except when he does not put me above himself. Is that fair – is that growth? OMFG… What is marriage anymore?
This makes me want to fast-forward, or even skip over, the release of my book – the entire era of my life it focuses on is what I’ve let go of. It feels so long ago and it’s filled with stories and mind-frames and people I’ve grown out of... How many copies will pay for my efforts? Oh god. It could have been better. What if it was a total waste of time? Of effort? Too late now; sometimes done is better than perfect.
I can’t believe I want to miss what I have considered the single-most important achievement of my life, and by far the most difficult. Is this normal? Maybe if I got more sleep last night I wouldn’t be feeling so insecure…
Now I’m on this goddamn plane trying to choose a goddamn movie: Gifted or Hidden Figures? If I watch Gifted will it make me more excited to play the cards this life has given me? I can only hope. Will it make me feel more grateful? But what cards has this life given me – to have an easy, spoiled American girl’s life? I’m not “gifted” or extra special in any ways – I’m just a normal person and a product of my environment.
If I watch Hidden Figures will I be more inspired to work toward changing the world for the better? But in doing that, I appear arrogant and mean according to exes… I don’t know who I am, or what I am on this earth to do, and it scares the shit out of me. What am I trying to do? What am I trying to achieve? Who am I trying to be? And how do all these things change now that I’m getting married?
Do I need to ask him what he wants me to try and do, and what he wants to see me achieve, and who he wants me to try and be? I just realized I’ve been on this page for twenty minutes and I still haven’t chosen a movie.
Gifted. Because I need to watch how someone whose life didn’t go as he’d planned still has meaning. Wait, who’s life does go as planned?
Who am I, and what the fuck am I doing here? Wait, I need to slow down again. For now, I’m getting married – and this time, I truly want to go through with it.